Welcome!

Welcome to my new blog! I have decided to move my blog over to WordPress for functionality purposes. My old blog will still be available to read here however all future blogs will now be posted on this site.

To navigate your way around this page, firstly check out the ‘About Divine Truth’ page where you will find useful links and resources and information on what these teachings are about. All of the blogs I share on this page will be based on these teachings and what I have learned from experimenting with them. Also for a brief introduction to my journey with Divine Truth teachings please check out the above video. I will be posting all my future Into My Soul Vlogs on my YouTube channel here. I have lots of content planned for future vlogs that will focus on specific themes and experiences I have gone through over the past 4 years in my experimentation with Divine Truth teachings.

I have such a desire to discover who God is and who I am. I have such a desire to know who the real me is underneath all of the layers and layers of damage and facade that has been created in me. I have such a desire now to connect to God, to love God and receive God’s Love into my soul. 

This blog will be about sharing myself as openly and honestly as I can about the experiences I have gone through and the new emotional and spiritual truths I learn about myself and the universe as I begin to delve deep into my relationship with God, myself and my soulmate!

I look forward to sharing myself and letting you in to my heart and soul. If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to email me. I’ve also created an ‘About’ page where you can find out about me and who I am if you are interested.

Love Thalia

BEAT STORIES – DESTINY

It’s a dark, misty day in New York.

The streets are busy and there is a man dressed in a choir uniform and he starts to sing. A kid named Tre passes wearing a hoodie and head down. You can’t see his face.

He weaves in and out of the people in the busy street and approaches a dark set of stairs leading underground. He enters and goes down the stairs and hands over the keys to a ring leader. He leaves and goes back up the stairs.

The sun is now shining bright and the clouds have dispersed. Tre removes his hoodie off his head and heads down a different path of the street on his new journey into the light.

Story by Nicoleta Marangou

Beat by Thalia Skopellos

LISTEN TO BEAT HERE

Pandemic of Fear

The worlds fear haunts my soul

Like a psychopathic ghost that lives in an empty house

Yelling and scaring everyone that walks by

Hiding in dusty closets and keeping out of sight

Luring me with treats while playing tricks on my mind

Like the government and media who want me to believe their lies

Pushing their drugs like a dealer dressed in a black hoodie outside a brothel

Wanting me to give up and prostitute my body

Let me stick it in you, be a good girl

Disguising a life full of luxury and freedom in a syringe full of health and safety

As if it’s the answer to all our problems

While at the same time causing so much hate and segregation

When I say no, you use guilt to make me feel bad

Just like an abuser who uses threats of punishment so I obey

You say I’m dirty and diseased and will never be free

And cover my mouth with your hand so I won’t scream

Like the mask that suffocates my breath and hides my pain

You censor and oppress the truth to keep me in chains

Let the true cause of this illness go viral

And eradicate this pandemic of fear cycle

By Thalia

Image by ELG21 from Pixabay

I have found the barrage of emotions being projected around this year from threats, manipulation, coercion and pressure to do something to my body quite difficult to deal with. The pressure and the noise has practically been in our ear 24/7 for months on end, and it has been bringing up lots of rageful feelings in me related to my abuse and intergenerational trauma.

My current feelings I have is a lot of anger around injustice, about treating people unfairly, anger I have about discrimination, preferential treatment to some, the rage I have about others just standing by silent and allowing this treatment to happen, the rage I have about the lies and corruption in this push for big pharma, the rage I have about being forced to do things to my body, things I don’t want to do, especially when it is done in a forceful, manipulating and threatening way, and the deep distrust I have in the government and power structures of the world. The feeling I have is a strong repulsion, that you can put a gun to my head and I still won’t do what you want me to do.

I know a lot of what I am feeling has deep causes in my soul and I can see intellectually and felt at times where this all comes from but I don’t feel I have been able to fully release anything yet and I have mostly been living in this rage all my life. Altho I am taking some steps to work through this, the rage is still there, but I do have moments of feeling into some of my deeper feelings underneath all of this. Feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, defeat, and just feeling my pain and that my soul is in pain and just hurting. There’s a deep grief of feeling deeply hurt by the world and from what I feel is a bullshit life and existence. I will say that when I allow myself to just soften to my pain and just own it, it feels immensely relieving and I feel more soft, grounded and connected to myself and wanting less and less to continue in my error.

I have a long way to go tho, everything is a work in progress especially my own sin and how I have contributed to this world and hurt others. There are moments when I also see a great potential for growth and the opportunity this situation is presenting to dive deep into some deep seated trauma, an opportunity to grow my faith and trust in God, God’s Truth and Love and taking a chance on some life long goals I have had but never had the courage to do. But I will see, I do have a lot of lack of faith emotions in being able to fully engage this process with God.

Flora & Fauna

Once likened to flora and fauna

I feel the pain of my ancestors trauma

If only my heart could grow wild and free

Over the hills and mountains, like the beautiful plants and trees

All I’ve ever wanted was to flourish and thrive

To grow tall and reach the skies

But I am small and just a stump, cut and left to rot

And the desert is my home where water is scarce like love

I dig deep in this drought to find the root cause of my pain

That my tears may fall like welcomed rain

To nourish and fertilise this barren land

Like love entering the heart of a thirsty and shrivelled soul

And just like the seed that blossoms into a beautiful flower

May my faith grow in God’s goodness and power

For my soul longs to grow and transform

Because I am the flora and fauna of this world

By Thalia

Image by Krzysztof Niewolny from Pixabay

This is the first poem I have written in goodness know’s how long. For a long time I have felt quite disconnected to the history of my first nations ancestors and didn’t realise the impact that it had on me. Only the last few years, I started exploring these feelings that have been with me all of my life, feeling oppressed by many external forces that want to keep me small where I feel my growth has been severely stunted both physically and emotionally as well as other emotions.

This year was the first time in my life that I actually felt a tiny appreciation for my life and body and that perhaps I was beginning to sprout a little growth. However, due to the current state of affairs of the world with further restrictions based on medical status, I feel this emotion surface in me about being prevented to grow in this world, and this has triggered a lot of the rage that I have about the world I’ve grown up in and my anger about when I just feel like I start to get somewhere, someone takes it away and no matter what I do to improve my situation, I can never get to where I’m going because other people won’t allow me to thrive.

I realise there is a lot of error to release from my soul but these are my current feelings and I still have a long way to go in working through these feelings of rage. I am also aware that due to my current emotional trauma my assessment of my own feelings and emotions may be subject to error.

From top to bottom, left to right (4 generations) – Mum’s Great Grandmother, Mum’s Grandmother, Mum’s Mum, and Mum and I.

Unpacking the Backpack of Shame

Let’s talk about sex.

I hate it. I am deeply ashamed about my sexual responses that were awakened in me at a very early age of 5. There would be times in my childhood where I felt I wanted it and I’ve been living with these strong sexual urges and the deep shame that comes with it ever since.

I remember I enjoyed the physical sexual responses I had as a child and sometimes sought out to get those responses as child. While at the same time growing up feeling completely guilty and shameful about it. 

The first time I was ever exposed to sex was walking into my mum’s bedroom at the age of 5 to go and sleep with her only to see a stranger in her bed doing weird things. I knew I needed to walk back out. I also found condoms in my dads draw at 5 and asked him what they were and was confused by his angry reaction to leave them alone and not touch them.

Sex to me has always been scary and shameful, something you do in the dark, in secret and very confusing.

It has been severely confusing to my sexual identity, I’ve often felt very confused about my sexuality, growing up believing myself to be heterosexual. When I started school it was already being projected at me to have a boyfriend. I had many ‘boyfriends’ during primary school and my first sexual encounters as a child and teenager were with males.

My sexual experiences in my childhood, sexual abuse and sexual projections from the world deciding what my sexuality was long before I could even come to discover for myself really has left me with this deeply confused feeling of who the fuck am I? Am I straight or am I gay? 

It’s been very confusing to know exactly my sexual preference because from such a young age I was conditioned into heterosexuality. It is what I believed myself to be with all my heart, it is what was normal to me. The thought of being gay was very hard for me to accept, that brought another layer of deep shame, I couldn’t bare the thought of being gay. I just wanted to not exist. 

Equally, what I was exposed to not just in relation to my abuse but also what I observed my mum doing, with her addictions with substances, to having multiple sexual partners, one night stands, and casual encounters has also resulted in a completely unhealthy and toxic relationship with sex. I have had no clue about what it truly means, what true pure sexual desire and relationships looks and feels like.

I have swung from the pendulum of being completely terrified of sex and avoiding sex at all costs, to being completely sexually promiscous, completely prostituting myself, seeking power and control over others, especially when I have been under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

I have sexual response that I feel I can’t control they are just there. I sometimes feel aroused when someone notices me. I feel aroused when I am scared. I’m turned on by other’s who I consider superior or above me, by other’s who don’t want me, keep me at an arms distance. Equally, I get so scared when someone treats me nicely with a bit of kindness and love that I don’t actually know how to receive it, I feel they want something more, and I don’t know how to differentiate between someone just being kind to someone wanting sex. This triggers a deep shame in me about my bodily responses.

When it comes to intimacy that my partner wants to show me or give to me, my soul just wants to scream, DON’T TOUCH ME. I don’t like being touched, in fact I hate it. I hate being smothered, I don’t like it when my partner shows me physical attention or wants to be intimate and I get so angry when I am touched. Intimacy terrifies me and makes me want to run in the opposite direction.

I prefer to be the giver and I don’t like it when I am given to sexually, I want to control how and when I receive sexually. I still have many sexual dreams throughout the year with randoms, strangers, people I know, both men and women which adds to my confusion, guilt and shame about myself and why am I not desiring my partner?

My sexual urges for males in my dreams are quite strong, and also terrify me because I believe I am my sexual urges that my sexual urges with males defines my sexuality. I believe that that is what I want. Is it what I want? Is this what I have wanted since I was a child when my sexual responses were awakened, that I have just been seeking now ever since to have those responses and urges fulfilled?

I know there is a big layer of rage about this, but that is just an intellectual assumption, I haven’t truly connected to this rage at all yet, but I do feel it bubble up in me from time to time and when I am triggered when my current partner wants to give me affection.

It’s very exhausting to live like this for a long time never truly experiencing healthy and loving sexual desire or relationships.

I’ve been walking around with all of this all my life, never knowing completely who I am, what I want or desire, what my true sexual desires are if I have ever had any, and what are my injured desires are along with what feels like a mountain of rage and shame.

It’s been as if I’ve been carrying a big heavy backpack of shame with me everywhere I go and I’ve been terrified to unpack it and look at what’s in it. I’ve preferred mostly to keep it hidden and stuffed deep inside and pretend it isn’t there. I don’t want to know it’s contents, I feel it is much better for me to carry it around, no matter how heavy it gets. 

I believe that if I take a look inside and pull everything out, that I am those shameful things that I carry around, that I am what my shame says I am. I am what my shame tells me.

But the truth is I already know what’s inside I just don’t want to unpack it and lay it out for all to see. I feel terrified, I am ashamed of my shame.

Being in my current relationship has triggered a lot more shame about all of this and exposed a lot of the contents of my backpack. I’ve used my willpower to zip it back up and suppress my sexual urges and responses from my dreams, wanting them to go away to the point of completely shutting down any sexual desire at all with my current partner.

It doesn’t help tho that my trust is nil to zero with anybody let alone my partner. I don’t trust that I won’t be used for my body and then ignored, left or emotionally shut out later, so I keep my distance.

The time has come tho where I ask myself do I want to live like this forever? No I don’t, I do desire to develop a true and meaningful relationship with my partner. I also want to have a relationship with God. I am tired of being in a cycle, with the same issue lurking over my shoulder. I want to heal this part of myself that has been really injured sexually. To me I feel it has completely ruled every aspect of my life. 

And so begins my journey of unpacking the bag of shame. I pray for change, I pray for courage, I pray for love that I can find the healing I so desperately crave but yet avoid so much.

For those who maybe experiencing similar, I would love to leave this blog with wonderful insights on how to heal but as I have not yet healed any of this and can’t speak from a place of healing and what to do my insights would be mostly from an intellectual perspective. 

But I will try, I think the biggest step first is awareness, become aware that this is what you feel, until there is a recognition that the problem exists you won’t desire to change it. 

I think this is where I am at still. Just unpacking the problem, and what it is. Getting to know it, recognising it when it arises, asking God questions, praying about it.

I then guess there is a layer of rage and anger that needs to be felt and expressed about how you feel about sex and why you feel that way. Then to feel the shame that has been projected upon you. Which again I am not really there yet.

These suggestions are based on words of encouragement from Mary recently in relation to my blog on withdrawing that I feel could be applied in this situation given that my tendency to withdraw is based on a lot of these feelings I carry inside of me ranging from betrayals, hurts, lack of trust and shame. It’s kind of all connected.

She says,

“I like the advice to pray, I think that prayer does so much to our hearts that is good even before we receive from God.

I would add that, even though it feels as though it will be a gargantuan task to reverse this pattern of withdrawal in your life, my experience is that once you begin to

1. develop the desire to emotionally touch on the original betrayals that first led to your isolation and withdrawal,
2. begin to grieve those horrible betrayals and hurts
the pattern will fall away without you having to exert much effort at all.

I mention this only because I know that I have had a tendency to tell myself again and again how ‘big’ my issues are and feel that they are insurmountable.

But I am learning that very often I feel like this because I am:

1. angry about having to feel how I was harmed (so I have no aspiration to feel it, I want to rebel instead)

2. being very hard on the little me…so, angry at the ‘system’ or angry at myself…and/or
3. demanding that those who harmed me recognise that they are harming me – which as you know is highly unlikely before we feel our own hurt about the harm they have perpetrated.”

A song I wrote called Love Never Hurts

Ch
If Love was really Love
Love would never hurt
Love Never Hurts

VS 1
I was taught not to trust
To never open up
That your only loved when your touched
And to wipe away my tears
And never feel my fears
That names will never hurt me
Yet they tell me that this is love

CH Repeat

VS 2
I was told I should change
That I should be ashamed
For every fault and I’m to blame
Yet they tell me that this is love

CH Repeat

Bridge
I wannna know this Love like I know a friend
I wanna know a Love that has no end
I wanna know a Love that glows like fire
And never burns . . .

CH
If its Your Love,
Your Love would Never Hurt

THE COLLATERAL DAMAGE FROM LOCKDOWN AND ISOLATION

I’ve been in lockdown and isolation ever since I was 14 when I made an oath to never open my heart to anyone ever again. Not only did I close my heart, I also used to lock myself away in my room and shut off from the world for hours on end listening to music, the radio or my favourite tapes or CD’s, until I had to come out to either eat, go to school, or hang out with friends and get completely stoned. I did anything to avoid being present with others and showing them my real feelings.

That’s how I spent most of my teenage years in my own personal lockdown, isolating myself from the world because I thought that this would be the best way to avoid getting hurt and being betrayed by those who I thought loved me.

The problem is decades later deep into adult life, not much has changed except now it feels like my heart is a heart of steel, and I cannot ply it open. I cannot seem to make any friends, the friends I do make are at an arms distance, like literally all my friends either live in different states or across international borders, I can’t connect to God and I can’t connect to my soulmate.

I find no enjoyment or fulfilment in my soul, I feel completely empty everyday, no matter what I do with my life, no matter I got my soulmate by my side, I get to do my passions, supposedly working my ‘dream’ job, everything still feels like a big hollow pit. My dreams suck both metaphorically and literally, I have big dreams for my life but I never get anywhere, I have nightmares all the time, I wake up exhausted and I’m just living out the motions day to day rarely giving any of my real self to anyone. To put it simply life feels fucked. I feel fucked.

But yet I like this, I much prefer this, being in lockdown and isolation is like a dream come true for me. When the government says I have to stay home, I’m like a pig in shit basking and revelling in all the time I will have to be on my own. Skipping for joy. Being able to lock myself in my room and make banger beats means I don’t have to put up with anyone else’s shit. I don’t have to listen to anyone ramble to me or chew my ear off eg my mum, I don’t have to put up with other’s taking advantage of my service, and I won’t get hurt if I’m here in my bubble.

The collateral damage of closing off your heart and not working through everything emotionally results in finding yourself a lifetime alone in lockdown, in isolation. Even with people around you, you will feel alone, unable to fit in, unable to have true meaningful connections. Constantly on guard, expecting betrayal, giving the least amount of your real feelings to feel protected, removing yourself from interacting with others but as the same time longing for deep connection and fulfilment.

And now it is going to take a massive effort to now break the oath, and grow my will muscle in the opposite direction to change what I feel is so intrinsically a part of me now. And I honestly don’t know how I will ever reverse this, right now I’ve been this way for so long, I have very little faith that I can change, that I can get back to being the real me that God created. Little Thalia loved being outdoors and was outgoing, adventurous, trusting of all, happy go lucky kind of kid, wanting in on the action, daring to be bold, saying what she thought out loud always, she was expressive and loved to share storys.

While I don’t have the faith or belief right now that I will change, thanks to a dear friend reminding me that one of the effective way’s through this is through prayer. Talk to God.

He said –

‘The message I got and put into practice recently around *sin…. Pray. Prayer has a super underestimated effect on your sin. Pray about your sin. Even if it’s just telling God what you just said to me now.’

Start there.

*sin means missing the mark of love

A song I wrote called Home

Verse 1
You’ve put a storm inside my soul
That carries me down the yellow brick road
I feel like a man made out of tin
I can’t move I’m rusted and stiff
But you’ve put a storm inside my soul
That carries me down the yellow brick road
You can bang on my chest but its empty
but with your can you oil me

Pre Chorus
Gently and I begin to feel the beat
Gently and in your hands
You got me singing

Chorus
I want a soul that feels your love, your love
I want a soul that feels your love, your love
Cos your my place I call Home

Verse 2
You’ve put a storm inside my soul
That carries me down the yellow brick road
I feel like a lost little scarecrow
I’m all strawed up don’t know where to go
But you’ve put a storm inside my soul
That carries me down the yellow brick road
My emotions are a twisted mess
I’ve fallen apart but you put me back again

Pre Chorus
Gently and I begin to feel the beat
Gently and in your hands
You got me singing

Chorus
I want a soul that feels your love, your love
I want a soul that feels your love, your love
Cos your my place I call Home

All Age Music Mid Year Concert

Before lockdown we were able to photograph and film this event a few months ago. This is my little friend who I used to teach Kinder Beat to a couple of years ago now at All Age Music. I used to teach 2-5 year olds and have had the pleasure of returning on a few occasions to do things like this.

Our most recent project involved filming and photographing All Age Music school’s mid year concert! It is always inspiring to see young children following their passions and doing something they love. 46 more words

All Age Music Mid Year Concert — Soulset Studios

Having fun in the bubbles!

I struggle a lot with expressing who I am in front of people. In the company of others I often find myself going into a complete lockdown emotionally, the walls come up and I end up either being really quiet or really serious and maybe let out a little bit of me here and there until I know its completely safe to be me (whoever that is – it is an ongoing discovery right now).

I feel tho, I am quite the closet loveable nut cracker (in a good way). I love having fun, being a nerd and completely non serious. I remember when I was little I was bold and carefree. I wanted in on the action! We lived in a VERY small town called Kununurra and I was always out and about on my bike, playing in the bush, swimming at any opportunity be it the local waterholes or swimming pool, or annoying my dog Timmy. Poor Timmy, I used to pretend to squeeze his nuts just to get a reaction from him. Ok maybe my 11 year old self did actually squeeze them ever so slightly if I am to be honest. Yep told ya, total nut cracker I am (no pun intended) 🤣 . . . Rest assured tho my nut cracking dog days are over (insert Florence soundtrack here). RIP Timmy. Cant wait to see you on the other side.

Anyway getting back to the story, I loved many things as a kid, like sports, dancing, singing and I equally loved my dolls as much as I loved to skateboard and play footy. I can’t say tho that I loved dresses, nope not me. Although I have rocked a few dresses in my lifetime it was either when I was really little and I was forced to wear them or more so to fit in and not be seen as too butch as I got older. These days tho you cant get me out of pants and sneakers.

But my point is, doing these videos, has been helping me to connect to the bold and carefree Thalia again, re-connecting to my child-like playful nature, and just have some fun creating and doing what I love!

Big thanks again to my partner Nicoleta Marangou for filming and directing this.